


A Mixed Story

by WhispyRiceCrispies



Category: No Fandom
Genre: Eventual Smut, F/F, F/M, Love, Mild Smut, Supernatural Elements, Wholesome
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-25
Updated: 2019-08-10
Packaged: 2020-05-19 18:13:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19362004
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhispyRiceCrispies/pseuds/WhispyRiceCrispies
Summary: Topa is learning how to be a normal human being. While questioning everything about her world, she is trying to deal with her conflicting, and sometimes absent, emotions. She feels different than the people around her and wonders if something is wrong with her. Questioning her identity and learning to come to terms with her physicality, she makes her way through school. Join Topa on her adventures and downfalls in A Mixed Story.





	1. A boy...

_Topa_

Well, today … happened. I was just walking in the hall, minding my own business when I looked at Tau Zhang, someone I've known since the first grade, and suddenly felt a tinge of butterflies fluttering in my stomach. Now, future me, you have to understand that this doesn't happen to me. I have always been, up to this point, the type of person who didn't like anyone__the wingman. So this was a strange occurrence for me. The moment I heard that familiar voice say "Hey Topy!" I suppose I just melted.

I have never been one of those swooning teenage girls who let their emotions dictate all of their actions. I know love existed__how could I not know when my parents are so crazy for each other? They had so much love for the world, for me, and for each other, that it was impossible for me not to see it. The problem is, and was, that I don't know if love exists for me__romantic love, that is. But anyways, minorly pessimistic tangent aside, I think I like him, and I don't like it. It makes me illogical. I'm not sure if I should tell Ophelia or not. Now, since this is the first entry of this journal, and I don't know where my friendships will lie in the future, I will say that currently, Ophelia Cromwell is my best friend.

She and I met through playing in the orchestra. I play the cello and she plays the violin, so I sit right behind her. One day she was pretending to conduct and accidentally ended up throwing her pencil at me. Of course, this hit me dead between the eyes. Now, most people would react with anger, fear, maybe even some expression of pain, but no! Fourth grade me decided to respond, "That is the coolest thing that's ever happened to me." After discovering there was a secret ninja in the row in front of me, I gained a friend. Ever since we've been practically attached at the hip. We are quite the unlikely pair since we are exact opposites, but I suppose that's what makes it work.

She is the more emotionally inclined one of the two of us, which isn't a bad thing in any sense. She's terrified of bugs, horror movies, thunderstorms, and more. So, I'm the one who kills the bugs in the room, turns off the horror movies, and gives her a blanket to hide under. And I'm fine with that.

She, however, holds a superpower that I do not possess: translating teenage boy and teenage girl. Truly, it is a language of its own. I tend to have a hard time understanding others’ feelings, so she helps translate for me. I can never thank her enough for that. She is probably one of the most important people in my life right now.

Of course, future me would already know my parents, so no need to introduce them, but on a side note, they are probably the best parents in the world. They're so good at balancing it all and encouraging me to do what I love. I don't know how to thank them enough for this pristine childhood they've given me. Even though I recognize that I'm borderline sociopathic, I can't love them enough.

Then there's Celica Ramirez, one of the only people I can indefinitely say I hate in the world. If bad personality traits were colors, she'd be the WHOLE rainbow. She is everything I hate about humanity. She's so made of plastic, she's got that "new car" smell. Her personality is truly putrid. I have no respect for her, to be honest. She's a brainless, Barbie homewrecker who loves to destroy lives and hurts my friends. Sorry, that might have been a little venomous, but it's the truth.

On the other hand, Athena Baldwin, I respect. She and I are competing for valedictorian. I actually really like Athena, but it's almost like we're in different bubbles. She and I just can't interact; it's against the constructs of the high school hierarchy. I wonder if we'd understand each other better otherwise. She's a cheerleader and is part of the pep squad and I'm … not. I'm an orchestra kid through and through. So unlike Celica, I see Athena as an adversary, not an enemy. She inspires me to keep on fighting in a sense. In my opinion, there's nothing wrong with a little competitive rivalry.

Nonetheless, let's get back on topic: Tau. He suddenly seems to be my kryptonite. I had gone through French, AP Biology, and Orchestra completely normally. Then that hallway incident happened, and it was like my brain just melted. I went into AP Calculus completely mind boggled. I couldn't stop looking at him, and my heart would flutter every time he spoke. It got to the point where I thought I was having heart palpitations. I could feel my face heating up, and I didn't know what was happening to me. What was different? What had changed?

Tau sat to my right diagonally. I looked at him and pondered what he had done to cause this. I realized I had spaced out when he inquisitively said, "Topa?" I felt my face flush in embarrassment, and I sheepishly said, "Sorry, I guess I spaced out." I noticed his lips curl up into an expression I had never seen from him before. A smirk? I heard him let out a small chuckle and felt my face heat up even more. Could he see right through me? He turned back to his work, so I decided to do the same. I had always found math really easy, so I finished about 20 minutes early. I was internally panicking as I tried to figure out what had just happened.

The bell rung, so I began to pack up my things. Tau gave me a notebook I had dropped on the floor, flashed a devilish smile, and patted me on the head. What did THAT mean?! I didn't mean to, but I froze up a little. I proceeded to pack up my stuff. I ran to my locker because I knew I was going to be late for the bus. I groaned a little, realizing I had forgotten to grab my cello. I slammed my stuff in my bookbag, shuffled into the orchestra hall, and heaved my cello out of my instrument locker. I waddled with as much haste as I could onto the bus. I found a seat and collapsed into it right as the bus driver decided that he was going to drive, whether I got mauled by a cello or not. So, now I'm sitting here writing in this journal my mom gave me for graduating from middle school, wondering what's going on with me. It seems to be my stop, so it's time for me to go. I have to practice. The true challenge is going to be telling Ophelia tomorrow, I just know she's going to FREAK. Well, that's it for today.

Sincerely,


	2. Chapter 2

_ Ophelia _

 

I walked around with Topa all day like things were normal. Like I didn't know. It's so hard not to tell her. But she can't know for now, for Tau's sake. I feel like such a terrible friend. I suppose that's how I'm feeling today. My mom told me that I need to log my feelings for my training, so this new book will have to work.

 

I wore my favorite outfit to school today: a yellow t-shirt that says "save our planet" and a blue mini skirt, along with flaming yellow Converse. I walked through the hallways happily, trying to block out the negative thoughts in my head. "What if what I was doing would hurt Topa? I shouldn't lie to her … but it's for her own safety for now."   
  
I groaned. Sometimes, I wish I didn't have a moral compass. I am totally jealous of how Topa can just let everything roll off of her back like it's nothing. But, if someone looks at me wrong, I nearly start to cry. Nonetheless, I made my way to orchestra this morning, saying “hi” to everyone as I took my seat. I sat next to my lovely second in command Celica and flashed her a happy smile. I prepared my stand and music.

 

I noticed she seemed a little downcast today. "Are you alright?"

 

I noticed her quiet response of, "Yeah. Bad day. Fine." I wondered if she was mad at me. I decided to try and put it out of my mind. I was determined to have a good day. I set up my music and put on my shoulder rest and rubbed some rosin on my bow. I started playing some arpeggios to warm up my wrists.

 

Violin was one of the only things I was good at. I decided to practice one of the solo pieces I was doing for the fall recital. I took out my copies of Love's Sorrow and Love's Joy. My wrists were hurting a bit more than usual; I think I practiced a bit too much last night. I just can't help it. Music is like an addiction, and my violin has replaced my social life. I shook out my wrists a bit. 

 

I noticed that Celica was staring at me. I gave her a questioning look and then looked back towards my stand, beginning to play. But … She didn't stop. I looked towards her … What was she thinking about?     
  
I suddenly had a realization of what she was thinking, practically out of nowhere. 'I'm going to beat her. No matter what it takes.' My expression went from confused to minorly alarmed. I looked back at my music after that awkward eye contact. Why was she still looking at me?! I decided to try to ignore her; she normally wasn't like this. Maybe … she wasn't feeling well?

 

I started to play to clear my mind. The sound of my violin dissipated the swirling tempest in my mind. That's what I love about music: once you start playing, you can just disappear, and all there is to think about is the music. It may not be that way for everyone, but it is for me. I kept on playing finishing Love's Sorrow and noticed Celica was no longer looking at me. She was looking at some kind of technical piece. Maybe an etude or some Hanon adapted for violin? I remember when I played those towards the beginning of my lessons with Mrs. Alara. I cheerily asked her what she was playing, but it was like there was a wall of tension between us. What had happened? My thoughts were interrupted as the director stepped onto the podium, and I snapped to attention.    
  
The rehearsal went as it usually did. I tried not to laugh at Topa's sarcastic jokes and witty insults, and she tried to make me laugh in any way possible. It had always been our thing. We played through our pieces, as usual, then our director let us know it was time to pack up.

 

I walked over and sat on the floor where I usually did to put away my violin. I was a little confused when Celica walked over to me. I gasped in shock as she "accidentally" kicked over a stand in the direction of my violin. I used my body to shield my instrument and tried to catch the stand.

 

It hit me directly in the head. First of all, embarrassing, and second of all, that was totally uncalled for. Ow. So, I packed up my instrument as Topa ran over to me. She asked if I was okay and forced me to go to the nurse like she always does when I got hurt. I felt really dizzy this time, though … something wasn't right. I put my violin case on my back and carried my notebooks out to my locker before going to the nurse. The nurse was apparently worried I had a concussion. She decided to call my parents to see if she was allowed to use stronger medicine on me. In the meantime, I decided to take a little nap.   
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   
  
I sat up in a green field and watched as a little girl started running down a road. She was being chased by some kind of monster that I couldn't decipher, and it seemed as if the girl didn't know which way to go. I was trapped, paralyzed almost, and there was nothing I could do to help her. I tried to scream and clenched my eyes shut. I didn't want to see what would happen to her. I was always thin-skinned like that.

 

Then I heard the sound of water flowing. I launched my eyes open and looked in the direction of the sound. It was Topa. She had picked up the earth under the little girl and was using water to wash away the creature. She made something so monumental look easy. She then put down the girl, giving her a small gift of some kind before walking over to me and giving me one of her large, goofy, real grins. The type that I had known and loved for so many years.

 

She put her hand out to me, and I was suddenly able to take it. I smiled back and gasped as Topa was suddenly pulled back out of my hands and to Tau. He was now hugging her, and she had burst out into a fit of giggles, her eyes looking like a supernova of happiness. Just looking at her, I couldn't help but smile.

 

Then I noticed someone out of the corner of my eye that I didn't recognize. A boy walked over, wearing a leather jacket and distressed jeans along with a white shirt that said "Dilution is not the solution to pollution" and seemingly self-designed converse. He smiled at me churlishly and messed up my hair, wrapping an arm around me. I was overwhelmed with a sudden feeling of elation.    
  
And then I woke up ...   
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   
  
My eyes fluttered open to the sight of my loyal best friend. What a strange dream. I slowly tried to sit up and she pushed me down. She said a stern "no".

 

I pouted at her and softly said, "Whhhhyyyyyy."

 

She looked at me with a mix of anger and concern, a look that a mother would give.  "Apparently you passed out for TWO HOURS Mrs. I'm Fine."

 

Okay, Now I'm really confused. I responded with a quick and confused, "What?"

 

Then she went on a motherly rant. "The nurse couldn't get you to wake up, so we were worried you could be in a coma or worse. And then, Celica tried to come in and take your violin and I had to fight that little roguish sheep-biting baggage to get it away from her and..."

 

I cut her off to say, "Woah! Language! We don't use Shakespearean insults in this house."

She groaned and rolled her eyes. "She caused all this." I couldn't disagree with that. I loved how to the point Topa was. I wasn't very good at that.    
  
Topa let me know that I had missed second period. It was art … I loved that class, but luckily, she had written down the assignments. The nurse suggested that I go to the hospital at my earliest convenience to get professionally checked out. She gave me some anti-Nausea and pain medicine and I took it quietly. I nodded in agreement, even though I knew I probably wouldn't go to the hospital. I decided it would be best if I tried to move on with my day. 

 

Now was the time for the only class I didn't have with her: AP Government and Civics. She had it next semester. I told her I needed to talk to her later and she simply nodded. I walked into third period and looked at Tau, wondering what the dream had meant. She didn't have them yet … at least, not as far as I knew of.

 

I turned my attention back to the board, these notes weren't going to take themselves. There were so many emotions and thoughts going through my mind that I was almost calmed by the mundane, brainless task of taking notes. Tau and I glanced at each other with a look of understanding while our teacher was on one of her many tangents. Once the bell rang he and I walked together into the hallway. 

 

I softly asked, "When are you going to tell her?"

 

He quietly said, "It depends on which thing you're talking about."

 

I looked over at him and whisper-screamed, "What do you think I'm talking about loverboy!"

 

I heard him let out a comically long sigh. "I don't know...when the time is right." I rolled my eyes a little. You would not believe how many times I've heard that. There were multiple things he needed to tell her, one of which he'd been putting off since they were in preschool together, and the other I can barely keep him from telling.    
  
I walked into AP Calc and sat in the back like I usually did. Math wasn't my thing. I'm more of a creative person, I suppose. So, I tried my best for most of the class. I, of course, still make good grades, but they're not perfect. Far from it in fact. The longer I'm in this class, the more I see my standards lowering. It's minorly concerning.

 

I looked up from one of my many fits of agony over a problem to see Topy practically swooning. The love birds were at it again. I sighed. JUST KISS ALREADY!!! It's been long enough. I smiled a little at her and looked back down at my paper.

  
I finished just as the bell rang and ran up to turn it in. By the time I had turned around, Topa was gone. I suppose she was taking the bus today. I, of course, had a lesson today, which I needed to drive myself to. I walked out to the parking lot with my violin and some homework in hand. I heard a catcall and internally screamed. I so badly wanted to turn around and obliterate them, but I chose to spare them for today. I got into my car, drove to my lesson, and now I'm here, waiting and writing in my book.    
  
Well, it seems I must take my leave. Adieu, fair notebook!   


 


	3. I just want to get a dumb confession down on paper.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> See this day from Tau's side.

_ Tau _

  
When am I going to do it? When am I finally going to tell her that I like her? And when am I going to tell her ...   
  
I just don't know. She was acting even cuter than she usually does today. I almost couldn't handle it. I sometimes wonder if she can tell; if she's secretly just torturing me. I almost couldn't focus. Ophelia knows; hell, the whole school probably knows. What am I supposed to do?  I've practically been in love with her since first grade. I'm panicking because I'm running out of time. She's going to date someone eventually and I don't know how I'd respond seeing her with someone else. I need to stop panicking or something might happen. I don't want to accidentally break anything today ...   
  
Today was rather chaotic, as every day is. I appreciate how stoic Topa can be in such a chaotic world. I try to be like her a little bit every day. UGH!!!! I'm truly hopeless. I just want to snuggle her and tell her how amazing she is, how much she's changed my life. If I could just tell her how I felt, without being afraid, maybe I'd get somewhere, maybe something would change. All I can do is be afraid of what might happen. After try upon try of writing this confession to her, I've just decided to vomit out my feelings in the Google Doc called confession. So, here goes my day, so I can hopefully clear my mind of all of this and write a good confession!   
  
This morning I walked into school, coffee cup in one hand and a study guide in the other. I walked into the library and tried to ignore the trailing stares of the girls around me. I sat down on one of the many couches, praying for some peace and quiet when of course, Celica Ramirez struts over and sits next to me.

 

I had headphones in, but she didn't seem to get the message. She started touching my arm and talking to me, giving me big doe eyes. I was uncomfortable with this. I looked over at her, raised an eyebrow, and looked back down at what I was studying. She took my study guide and pulled out one of my earbuds. I immediately turned to her and said, "Excuse me?" I didn't even mean to, and frankly, I felt kind of rude for it, but seriously?! Who does that? Why?

 

I heard that ear destroying voice saying, "Are you listening to me?"

 

I looked at her with absolutely dead eyes. "No. I'm sorry. I was trying to study." I attempted to grab my study guide back, but her grip tightened.

 

"You don't need this when I'm around."

 

Now I was angry __ she was putting my education on the line. Does she have any clue what I've been through to be able to go here? "Yes, I do. Give it back, now."

 

I was trying to be kind to her, but I noticed my sentences becoming short and pointed and my accent starting to poke through. I could feel my eyes practically burning in her direction, and I felt a little guilty because I knew she liked me.

 

"You're gonna have to try a little harder than that to get this from me," Celica said in a sing-songy voice.

 

I groaned internally. "It's mine."

 

She quickly responded, "Nope, it's mine now! You have to do something for me to get this back."

 

Does she think this is cute? I muttered to myself, " 操我的生活 " You don't want to know what that means, and my mother would kill me for saying it.   
  
"I like it when you speak Chinese," Celica continued, rubbing my arm. Now I was getting … uncomfortable. I didn't even want to know what she was expecting from me for this study guide. 

 

"Look, please just give it back to me and leave me alone." Why couldn't she just like someone else? What had happened to the Celica I grew up with? I shivered as her hand traveled lower down my arm. I finally just got up and walked away. "Just keep the dumb study guide. I'll borrow Topa's." I practically ran out the door of the coffee shop. I was so mad and uncomfortable. I just felt so gross.

 

Topa was always in the orchestra room practicing, usually with Ophelia. I needed this study guide, so I had to go talk to her. Yeah, there's the problem. Talking to her.     
  
  
I walked down the hallway, looking at the tiles and only stepping on the blue ones. It was a game I have played since the fifth grade. When I was younger, I had to jump from tile to tile, but now it's just a matter of walking from one to another. I would pick a new color every day, even though I always gravitated to red. My color choice makes a lot more sense now.

 

This is when I realized that I had left my coffee, which broke my train of thought. I now chose to think of some Japanese profanities that my father had taught, or, rather, said around me.

 

The cool thing about growing up in a multicultural household, at least in my case, is that you have three different languages to curse in. I tend to use this power to its full ability. It also means you can switch languages depending on who's in the room, so no one ever knows what you're talking about. It's quite fun.    
  
Now, of course, I try not to curse because I feel like it makes it seem as if I have a smaller vocabulary than I do. There are plenty of more creative ways to insult people. And, let me say, they are much more fun. Sometimes, though, a good old profanity really helps get the anger out. 

 

My sudden rage of losing my coffee to the suction cup of a human I had just left caused this line of thinking. By the time I was done with my lovely morning brood, I had made it to the orchestra door. I walked up to it, stood there for a moment and immediately walked back.

 

Before I went in there I simply had to overthink all of the conversations I could have and all of the possible outcomes, because that's a normal and healthy thing to do. And then she just walked out of the door. Topa.

 

With her beautiful long blackish brown hair, stunning green eyes, adorable freckles, and tiny dimples, not to mention her unbelievably gentle yet strong demeanor, she already had me tongue-tied. How was I supposed to operate in these conditions?! My brain was mush. I decided a proper greeting would be appropriate since that is the proper human response to seeing another human.    
  
"Hey Topy, I was just heading in to ask you about borrowing your study guide. I'm really sorry about this, but some … unfortunate events took place and I lost mine." I was leaning against a locker and noticed her eyes soften a bit. They became like pools of green apple snow cone flavoring, and it drew me in. They usually didn't do that.

 

She quietly responded, "What kind of unfortunate events?"

 

She was putting things in her locker right next to me. I let out a soft sigh and quietly replied, "It's nothing to worry about Topy." I sounded so relaxed, but I was internally panicking.

 

She closed her locker and stepped in front of me. She looked up at me and poked me in the chest with the study guide. She was a little red in the cheeks as she said, "You do know that you have to tell me what happened later, right?"

 

She giggled; a rare occurrence and something that I loved more than pretty much anything. There was nothing I wanted more than to just hold her at that moment and tell her how much I loved her in that sappy teen drama way, but real life doesn't work like that.    
  
I chuckled a little and put my hands above my head like I was being arrested. "Yes, I understand the contractual obligations of borrowing your study guide." This made her giggle even more and made me melt further. I became a puddle around her nearly daily.

 

I noticed her turn a little redder as she handed me the study guide in one of my raised hands. "Then I grant it to thee. If you do not follow the guidelines of our agreement, you shall be beheaded by the form of a pocket guillotine, blah blah blah, and it is signed." I chuckled even more and took the study guide. I couldn't help but let my amusement show on my face in a small smirk and felt my face heat up a little. She messed up my hair and said a small, "I'll see you later Teddy."

 

I gave her a small wink and said a calm, "Yeah, I'll see you.".    
  
Now you may be wondering: Teddy? How? Why? Your name is three letters, is a nickname needed at this point? Let me tell you, dear reader, I absolutely agree with you. But, I suppose it's part of what makes my friendships with my close friends so special.

 

I immigrated with my parents from China at the age of 7 to here, San Francisco. I didn't speak a word of English, nor did my parents. We moved for multiple reasons: the air conditions in China, the lack of work, and familial pressures about my parents' marriage. I never really got why it was such a big deal to my grandparents that my mom married a Japanese man, but it was. My parents wanted to be able to live the way they wanted and to be part of that good ole' American dream. They also wanted me to have a good education and a life where I could pick whatever I wanted to be.    
  
So at seven years old, I was thrown into an American school, with new people and a language barrier. A lot of kids made fun of me at first __ nobody knew my name because nobody could pronounce it, and nothing made sense to me.

 

Of course, I had no clue they were making fun of me because I didn't know what they were saying, but there were two girls who were around me a lot, seemingly getting mad at these people. We played together every day, playing different games with different toys. One thing about me that stayed constant was I always carried around this teddy bear that my mom had hand made for me. So, the two girls taught me my first two English words. 'Teddy bear.'

 

Thus, they started addressing me as Teddy so I knew they were referring to me. My teacher was ecstatic that I had learned some English, and I came home to my parents triumphantly saying “teddy bear.” As I learned more English, I finally told them my real name and got to know them better. They, of course, were Ophelia and Topa. Now it's become an endearing nickname that's been lost in time and is only used on rare occasions. I loved it and I still do.   
  
The second she turned the corner of the hallway, I let out a sigh and had a mini fanboy panic. I looked at the neat handwriting on the study guide and smiled a little to myself, studying as I walked down the hallway.

 

It was a study guide for AP Bio, which we had both have. She had taken the test yesterday since she's in a different period than me. Our study guides are handmade since our teacher doesn't love us.

 

Hers was WAAAAAY more detailed than mine. It was like reading a textbook but a little more human. I noticed a cute little cat on the corner of one of the sheets; she must have gotten distracted. I smiled, continuing to study. I made my way to my first-period class, and my thoughts were clouded with puppy dog love as usual. As I walked in the door to piano studies my eyes were glazed over. My face was diseased with daydreaming and my teacher noticed and lightly tapped my knuckles with a ruler. She softly whispered, “Just focus on the music for now, okay?”. I nodded and walked into my practice room, cracking my knuckles, and getting to work. I played every Hanon exercise I could think of, my chromatic scales, my major and minor scales, and then shook out my wrists. I rubbed them a little and then worked on prepared pieces for the fall recital. I began to play “Futatabi” from Shigatsu Kimi no Uso. It was one of my more contemporary and challenging pieces. Once I had finished I started writing on my music notes of where I messed up.

 

My teacher walked in to remind me that the period would end soon. I decided to do a quit run-through of my recital pieces and to write in my notes before. The bell rang and I hadn’t even picked up yet. “Shit…”. I carefully shut the piano and put my music away, practically running out the door. Next was...wait what did I have next. I think I got a little too focused. Whenever I play there’s a sense of calm that surrounds me. It’s as if nothing else exists. It’s just me, the music, and my thoughts. I suppose the piano has become a safe place since it’s been so consistent in my life. I suppose I never really put enough thought into it. 

 

I now am starting to believe I am a caffeine addict. How can this affect my productivity this much? Caffeine addict or not, I tried my best to not looked disheveled as I made my way to...AP Bio! I thought to myself some not so nice words and hurried in the direction, pulling out the adorable study guide. I read and read until the lines started to blur. I made it into the classroom with a minute or two to spare due to some time-warping magic and practically collapsed into my chair. Flipping through pages frantically with a tinge of anxiety and my lab partner looked over at me and muttered “Hey man...you could make an A on this test with your eyes closed. It’s okay.”. I let out a laugh that was a little too sarcastic for my liking. “I’m just nervous about this stuff, sorry. I hope it doesn’t bother you.” I managed to still myself and continue to read, looking at the cat every once and a while for some pure happiness. 

 

I felt a small smile flash onto my lips and I felt Zhou’s light glare. “Come on man, just ask her out.”. I looked at him startled, “What?”. I was attempting to play dumb. He smirked, “Your handwriting is nowhere near that neat, I personally don’t believe that you draw adorable little cats on your study guides, and” He poked the name in the upper right-hand corner with his pencil. “You’re smiling at a piece of paper.”. I could feel my face heating up, and before our conversation could continue the teacher walked in cutting the class off. “Test starts in five minutes. Study.”. 

 

Well if that doesn’t scare an anxious teenager half to death. Flipping a little faster now, I could feel my breathing increase and my heart beating faster. ‘Oh boy, please no! Can we not panic for five seconds? Please’. I was still panicking. I don’t even know why I had studied the night before and my parents love me. The teacher proceeded to tell us to put away our notes. Some people didn’t have notes at all and I quietly wondered if and how they were passing this class. I put my notes away and tried to think of something to calm my mind. My mind was a cacophony of sound and fear. I took a deep breath and tried to channel the calm that music gave me. The test landed on my desk, and once more the world disappeared. 

 

I finished it faster than I expected, which made me paranoid. Had I rushed? Did I make a stupid mistake? So, guess who checked their test...3 times. I internally groaned at me falling into my old habits. I had promised myself that I’d stop this madness, but of course, I didn’t and couldn’t. I finally managed to get myself to turn in my test. Then the usual paranoia ensued.  _ Did you put your name on it? What if that question you agonized over three times because you don’t trust yourself ends up wrong? What’s the lowest possible grade I could make?  _ A few moments of number crunching later I decided that things would be okay, maybe. I hated this part of myself more than anything. I envied my classmates who just didn’t care; who could let things go. My pre-programmed response to tests was this massive cloud of anxiety that was completely unnecessary and of my own doing. So why did it still happen?

 

I decided to try and push it out of my mind. I took off my jacket and put it on my desk so I didn’t disturb my classmates as I tapped out my pieces for the recital. It’s a weird little habit I’ve had since I started piano. I knew tapping could be annoying during tests. While I was tapping, I thought of Topa and my tapping stopped. I owed her an explanation of what had happened today, but I just didn’t feel like it mattered. Even though it was terrible and felt terrible, she kind of fixed my mood for the day. Hearing that giggle and seeing that smile makes me melt every day. A good day is any day with her in it. Some people call her a robot, say she’s heartless, but I wonder if they’ve ever really met her. 

 

The Topa I know is a dreamer. She wants to make everything better. She does have feelings even if sometimes she doesn’t know it. Topa has this beautiful bubbly side to her that I have the pleasure of being around. She’s Topa, and I can’t think of any way she could be better. Everyone has flaws, but I suppose I love hers. I guess that makes me kind of crazy. 

 

I now had a sudden urge to see her. I was practically tapping my foot waiting for the bell to ring. I looked around noticing other students weren’t done yet and felt a bit guilty for wanting the period to end more quickly. I messed up my hair a bit and let out another huff of air. I need to chill. I don’t want to look like a lovesick four-year-old. I took a deep breath and continued to look around a bit. I just needed out of here honestly. 

 

The bell finally rang and I was the first one out of the classroom. It was lunchtime. I skipped the whole “eating” part and went to the piano room to practice. I had to distract myself from those beautiful green eyes and that bright smile. I waddled in quietly, knowing that Xavier was probably practicing in the room next to me. I closed my door softly, cracked my knuckles, and sat down. I just sort of poked the keys, noodling around a bit. I played some tunes I had learned over the years because they were comfortable. I finally decided it was time to practice my legitimate pieces and be productive. I got through one of my pieces and then got halfway through my next piece when I realized I needed to return Topa’s study guide. I once again grabbed my bag and waddled out of the room, with the study guide in hand. I looked at the little cat and smiled a little. I slid the study guide into her locker and decided to lurk around a bit, maybe go to the library. 

 

I passed the standard couple making out and then five feet later the standard couple fighting each other. I walked up to the vending machine and looked at it quietly. For a moment I was wishing that they had that green tea in soda cans that you get from the Asian food market and stuff. After a moment I settled on diet coke, and put my dollar in. I grabbed my diet coke from the bottom and went to go into the library and then saw Celica. I walked out almost as quickly as I walked in. I decided I would be early for my third period. I was too lazy to go back to my locker and get my bento anyways. Might as well just head to class. 

 

I made the commute and decided to listen to music. I promptly turned on one of the many lofi chill stations and walked over the bridge that connected the two buildings of our school. I looked out the window at the beautiful day outside and smiled a little. I suddenly missed sports. I know that sounds contradictory for someone like me, but once upon a time, I was a soccer player. I wasn’t half bad either. I loved running around in the sun. The adrenaline, the comradery, I missed it all. 

 

I realized I had been staring out the window about a minute too long when I felt someone’s eyes piercing into my back. I decided to try to play it off and walk away quickly. There was always next year, right? I sighed a little to myself and finally made it to my AP Government and civics class. I sat down in the back of the class where my usual seat was and looked at my watch. I was a few minutes early, which wasn’t unusual for me. I took out my headphones and put my phone away. I looked at the board and saw another textbook assignment. I flipped to the page and got to work reading. I heard the bell ring and the various shuffling around me, but I tried my best to focus. By the time I had read all 30 pages of small print text, I lowkey wanted to slam my head into a concrete spike. I also had a massive headache. I was just glad I had chosen to do the questions as I went along. I put my head down internally groaning in pain. Notes and a textbook assignment was the recipe for a migraine. This was the part of the class where the teacher decided to actually teach, so I decided to at least look like I was paying attention. I made a solid attempt. I looked over at Ophelia and she had her ‘We need to talk’ look on her face. I gave her a little nod and paid attention until the end of the period. 

 

I heard her voice softly ask, “So when are you gonna tell her?”. She asked me this periodically. I turned a little red in the face. “It depends on what you’re talking about.”. I heard her whisper scream to me “What do you think I’m talking about loverboy?!”. I chuckled a bit to myself and looked down at my shoes. I let out a long drawn out sigh and softly let out, “I don’t know...when the time is right.”. I can’t tell you how many times we had had this conversation before. I’ve said the same thing over and over for years. I could practically feel her eyes rolling. Not only that, how could I tell her that I loved her while hiding such a big secret from her. I bit my lip thinking about how complicated things had gotten. I saw Topa and everything just disappeared. My grip tightened on my bag as I said a happy, “Hi Topy”. I flashed her a small smile and noticed something different. She got red in the face, and I mean totally red. I had never seen her do that before. I walked into math questioning what that meant and trying my best not to get my hopes up. I sat down a little closer to the front than usual. About halfway through the class, I could feel eyes peering into me again, but this time I turned around to look. Topa was staring at me. This was odd. I asked a quiet, “Topa?” 

 

I couldn’t help but smirk as her face flushed again. She seemed nervous, which was very new. She just looked so cute. She explained that she must’ve spaced out. I honestly couldn’t stop smiling as I turned around. I decided to finish up my work and begin to overthink things. Did she like me now? Was this actually happening? Close to the end of the period, I heard a notebook fall and noticed it was one of hers. I heard the bell ring and picked it up. I smiled at her and handed her the notebook, patting her on the head. She was just being so cute. I had forgotten how much taller I was than her. 

 

I walked out with a small smile on my face, now believing that dating her was possible. That is why I am now banging my head against the keyboard on this confession. Everything that I write feels like word vomit, so that sucks. But, now that I’ve cleared my thoughts I think I’m gonna start trying to write this again. 

 

Time to erase this.

Tau.


End file.
